13-22-31

This is a reflection on how I remember feeling at thirteen, twenty two and thirty one. I recently turned thirty two and this is what I thought about.

At thirteen, I thought that girls who rode bikes were cool, and possibly hotter for it.
At twenty two, I thought girls who rocked out and drove shitty cars were cool, and possibly hotter for it.
At thirty one, I thought that girls who rocked out and rode bikes were cool, and possibly hotter for it.
verdict: Girls who rock out and ride bikes are hotter for it, if only in my mind.

At thirteen, I liked mac-n-cheese, but ate a lot of ramen noodles.
At twenty two, I liked cheeseburgers, but ate a lot of ramen noodles
At thirty one, I liked everything but ate a lot of pasta.
verdict: I eat a lot of noodles.

At thirteen, I knew that my parents were either really bad at marriage, or really good at it.
At twenty two, I wanted nothing to do with marriage ever.
At thirty one, I tried to get married.
verdict: hung-jury

At thirteen, I wanted to move out
At twenty two, I wanted to move back in
At thirty one, I lived with a Spanish family and a student roommate for four months and got really excited to come 'home' to my own space.
verdict: as nice as it is to have people to cook and pay the bills for you, nothing beats personal space. I knew this at thirteen, and I know this again now.

At thirteen, I was innocent.
At twenty two, I was trying super hard not to be
At thirty one, I treasured what innocence I had left (and still do).
verdict: experience doesn't necessarily mean the loss of innocence - but the loss of innocence often leads to experience.

At thirteen, I questioned the value of church
At twenty two, I questioned the value of God
At thirty-one, I continued to question both, studied the effects of religion and seriously pondered about what God can mean.
verdict: too much going on for one thing to be right at the expense of others - people are different and the way they interact with each other and the world at large is as varied as they are different. Individually, socially, culturally, spiritually different, and it's mostly BS. Hung jury.

At thirteen, I knew myself
At twenty two, I lost myself
At thirty one, I went looking for my roots and remembered a lot about myself in the process.
verdict: I like me.

At thirteen, I wanted to be a man
At twenty two, I still did but I wasn't sure what that meant.
At thirty one, I thought, 'manhood' starts at forty and I'm looking forward to it almost as much as the next years - the twilight of my childhood.
verdict: I have ideas about who I want to be.

At thirteen, I was full of childish suggestions
At twenty two, I only saw problems
At thirty one, I saw the importance of presenting solutions
verdict: I feel that fresh thinking and new ideas are the solutions to the problems of today (and that they probably will create plenty of new problems).

At thirteen, I liked baseball.
At twenty two, I liked football.
At thirty one, I liked being around my friends.
verdict: I enjoy the strategy of sports, I enjoy the camaraderie of sports but I hate the industry of it and how divisive it can be (i.e.: those people who root for players to get injured, as it'd benefit their team; or the industry of college football; or the sheer amount of money that could/should/would be better spent).

At thirteen, I wanted to eat out all the time.
At twenty two, I ate out all the time and worked in restaurants.
At thirty one, I cooked and ate in.
verdict: I like food, but I prefer good food and don't trust restaurants.

At thirteen, I had a car but no license
At twenty two, I had the same problem for different reasons.
At thirty one, I didn't have a car but I had a license.
verdict: I prefer to have both.

and that's my life.

Above all else...

I don't want to get rich at another's expense, or the world's - tar sands, Nigerian oil

If I get rich, I want it to be because I added something, not because I took it away.

I don't want to live the dreams of my parents - work-a-day-world, living for the weekend, push 'til retirement

I want to live now, in dreams wilder than they ever imagined.

I don't want education to kill my dreams, or the dreams of children and young adults - brainwashing, thoughtless, blanding

I want educators who are still learning from the children they teach.

I don't want professional politicians running my country - plutocracy, cronyism, public/private flip-flops

I want passionate civilians willing to sacrifice their time to the populace and transparency.

I don't want the world as it is - disconnected, disproportionate, dying

I want a world where what I want is possible.